In the framework of Transactional Analysis (TA), as established by Eric Berne, “games” are recurring patterns of communication that carry a hidden (ulterior) motive or payoff — often involving emotional manipulation or reinforcement of unconscious life scripts. When men and women are dating, women (and men as well) may unknowingly engage in certain psychological games that reflect unspoken emotional needs, fears, or beliefs about relationships.
Some common games that women may play in dating situations include:
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“Why Don’t You – Yes But” – The woman elicits suggestions or help from her partner, only to reject every solution. The hidden purpose is not to solve a problem but to confirm her belief that no one can really help her, thus maintaining emotional control and reinforcing the “No one understands me” position [1].
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“Frigid Woman” – On the surface, the woman appears uninterested or emotionally detached, yet unconsciously uses the withholding of affection as a means of control. The payoff is a sense of moral superiority or safety from vulnerability [2].
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“If It Weren’t For You” – In this game, the woman may blame her partner for limiting her freedom or happiness. Beneath the complaint is often an unconscious wish to avoid independence or responsibility for her own choices [3].
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“Look What You Made Me Do” – Here, emotional outbursts or guilt tactics are used to justify behavior, transferring responsibility to the partner. The hidden transaction lies between a Child ego state and the other's Parent ego state. This involves shifting blame onto the partner when something goes wrong. By playing the victim, she avoids personal responsibility and elicits guilt or protection from the man. [4]
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“Blemish” or “Courtroom” – The game involves pointing out flaws or “proving the other wrong,” creating distance while satisfying the need for control or moral validation [5].
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“Let’s You and Him Fight” – The woman provokes or triangulates two men into competition for her attention, unconsciously seeking reassurance of her desirability [6].
Each of these games involves a predictable sequence of moves, ulterior transactions (where the social and psychological messages differ), and an emotional payoff that maintains familiar internal feelings — even if those feelings are unpleasant (e.g., rejection, superiority, or guilt).
These patterns emerge from early scripts — unconscious life decisions formed in childhood that determine adult behavior and relationship dynamics. Through game analysis, TA helps identify and deconstruct these patterns so individuals can achieve genuine intimacy, free of ulterior motives.
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In addition:
Here are some additional psychological games that women may play in dating situations, according to Transactional Analysis principles:
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“Sweetheart” – The woman presents herself as warm and affectionate to gain admiration or attention, but quickly withdraws when true emotional intimacy is expected. The hidden payoff is the preservation of power through emotional distance [1].
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“Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a B—” – The woman waits for the man to make a small mistake, then uses it to justify anger or rejection. The psychological payoff is moral superiority or emotional vindication [3].
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“Uproar” – A dramatic argument is provoked intentionally, often over something minor, to generate excitement or test the partner’s level of commitment. The payoff is reassurance of being cared for, even through conflict [4].
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“Rapo” – One of the best-known dating games from Berne’s work. It involves flirting or seduction to engage the man’s attention, followed by rejection or accusation, reinforcing the woman’s control and moral stance [5].
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“I’m Only Trying to Help You” – The woman takes on a rescuer role, offering guidance or advice to “fix” the man, while simultaneously reinforcing her own sense of superiority and dependency dynamics [6].
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“Helpless Little Girl” – The woman presents herself as innocent or incapable to elicit attention, protection, or problem-solving behavior from her partner. The hidden motive is reassurance of being cared for while maintaining indirect control.
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“Kick Me” – The woman subconsciously behaves in ways that invite mistreatment or rejection, reinforcing her internal belief that she is unlovable and confirming an early life script that predicts disappointment in intimacy.
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“Poor Me” – Complaints and self-pity are used to gain sympathy or emotional support from a partner while avoiding deeper vulnerability or responsibility.
In each of these games, the surface motive (love, connection, validation) masks a psychological motive tied to early life decisions and internal “scripts.” Through game analysis and script analysis, TA helps individuals identify the early experiences and ego-state interactions (Parent–Adult–Child) that perpetuate these recurring dating dynamics [5][6].
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