A has a friend, B, who asks A for advice about whether or not to form a relationship with someone. What should A say to B about this decision?
A should not say "Follow your heart".
A should treat B’s romance decision as a value-choice to be made by reason, with emotions as data—not as orders. The purpose of dating is not sacrifice or “being needed,” but the pursuit of a value that can rationally enhance one’s life.
Here’s what A should say to B—concretely.
What A should tell B
1) Start with the standard: “Is this person a value to your life?”
“Don’t ask first whether you feel pulled. Ask: is this person objectively good for you—over the long run? Romance is not a duty; it’s a trade of value for value.”
2) Identify your essentials (non‑negotiables)
“Write down the traits you must see for a serious relationship. Not surface preferences, but character essentials—things like:
- rationality (does this person face facts or evade?)
- independence (do they think for themselves?)
- integrity/honesty (do they mean what they say and act on principle?)
- justice (do they admire the good and condemn the vicious?)
- productiveness (do they have purpose and self-supporting ambition?)
- emotional maturity (can they communicate and take responsibility?)”
If the candidate fails on an essential, that’s not “a challenge,” it’s a warning.
3) Use emotions properly: as signals to investigate
“Your attraction matters—but treat it as a lead, not a verdict. Ask yourself: what exactly am I responding to? Is it their real virtues—or your own unmet needs, loneliness, or a fantasy?”
4) Look for evidence, not promises
“Don’t date their potential. Date their actual patterns:
- How do they handle conflict?
- Do they keep commitments?
- Do they respect your time, body, and boundaries?
- Do they take pride in their work and choices?
- Are they consistent across contexts?”
5) Check for deal-breakers (red flags that are moral, not “personal”)
“End it if you see chronic:
- lying, manipulation, guilt-tripping
- parasitism (wanting to be carried materially or emotionally)
- resentment of achievement
- uncontrolled addiction/violence
- contempt for reason (‘you’re too logical’ as a smear)”
These aren’t “imperfections.” They are indicators of bad character.
6) Make the choice explicitly
“If the evidence shows this person is a real value, choose them and pursue it with clarity. If not, don’t drift. Say no and move on. Romantic pain is not an argument against reality.”
One sentence A can use to summarize it
“Don’t ‘follow your heart’ as a command—identify what your heart is responding to, judge it by facts and character, and then choose.”
In addition:
To tailor advice rationally, you treat it as a problem of identification before evaluation: first learn what the person knows, doesn’t know, and is trying to choose among; then apply principles to their facts and values. “General advice” is often useless because it floats above reality.
A general method for tailoring advice
1) Get the decision into a clear alternative
Ask: “What are the options you’re choosing between?”
Make them state it as A vs B (or A vs B vs C), not as a fog of feelings.
- “Do I date him or end it?”
- “Do I take the job or stay?”
- “Do I confront my friend or let it go?”
If they can’t name alternatives, they’re not ready for advice; they’re evading the choice.
2) Identify the uncertainty (the missing knowledge)
Ask: “What exactly are you unsure about?” Common categories:
- Facts: “Did he lie?” “Is the job stable?”
- Predictions: “Will this pattern continue?”
- Values/standards: “What matters most to me here?”
- Self-knowledge: “Am I acting from fear/loneliness?”
- Moral appraisal: “Is this a vice or a forgivable mistake?”
- Means: “How do I do it without causing a disaster?”
You tailor advice by targeting the category of missing knowledge.
3) Establish the person’s goal and standard (their rational self-interest)
Ask: “What are you trying to achieve—and why is it a value to your life?”
Advice without a goal becomes social conformity: “Do what people do.”
In romance: is the goal companionship? marriage? sex only? building a life together? If the goal is unclear, the advice will be contradictory.
4) Separate evidence from interpretation
Have them list:
- Observed facts (what was said/done, specific events)
- Interpretations (what they think it “means”)
- Emotions (their reactions)
This prevents the common error: treating emotion as evidence.
5) Find the essential, not the incidental
Ask: “What’s the pattern?” and “What trait does this reveal?”
One mistake is not decisive; a repeated pattern is.
In romance, the essential question is usually character: honesty, independence, integrity, productiveness, justice—not “chemistry” detached from character.
6) Identify constraints and costs
Ask:
- “What are the consequences of each option—short and long range?”
- “What can’t you accept the price of?”
- “What are you willing to do to make the better option work?”
This is how you keep advice anchored to reality.
7) Give advice in the form of conditional principles
Tailored advice is usually:
- If X is true, then do Y.
- If X is not true, then do Z.
And specify what evidence would settle X.
Example: “If he has lied about major issues twice and won’t take responsibility, end it. If it was one error, fully admitted and corrected, proceed slowly and verify.”
8) End with an action step (what to do next)
Good advice doesn’t just conclude; it assigns the next rational move:
- ask a direct question
- check a fact
- set a boundary
- observe behavior over time
- decide by a deadline
A compact set of questions you can memorize
- What decision are you making (options)?
- What are you uncertain about (facts, values, prediction, self-knowledge)?
- What is your goal/standard?
- What are the key facts and the recurring patterns?
- What would count as proof either way?
- What’s the long-range cost of each choice?
- What is the next concrete step?